the (4)

Early in the morning, the rise and shine time, the time when the Sun raises its armpit and the whole Earth smells its deodorant. This day was a rainy day, or at least the Weather Channel predicted, such a shame that Mr. Charles had to shower our screens with some litres of the incoming rain, just to let us know that indeed “Rain is Coming”.

Though the rain was still warming up, you could feel some drizzles surf through your arms when you place it through the pathway cultivated by the windows. There was no doubt that the rain was going to descend soon, maybe not heavily but surely with the company of the wind whose goons are always very cheering lads. The Sun may be boss, but today the rain had to carry out a coup d’état.

In the kitchen lay a device, a device which lives in fury, not the angry kind of fury but the raging, burning, steaming kind of fury. Mr. Kettle was such a quiet being, he only spoke when necessary and protested whenever the suffering was becoming too unbearable.

There lay his neighbours, Mr. Pot, whose family is always well fed by the incumbent government and who also has the privilege to bath with the “Sexy Ones” “The Accomplished”. These bunch of successful lot were very stylish, they were so privileged that they could be shaped in almost any kind of form, they wore the finest of linens, they gallantly walked in clothed designs that the other devices could only dream of.

“The Plates” they often called them whenever there was need for them, for some reason, the masters and mistresses always seemed to require their company, their touch, Mr. Kettle on one occasion even brought back tales on how the masters sometimes kiss and tickle them with their tongues whenever they enjoyed their service, just to show their deeply felt appreciation.

Ow, so much tales Mr. Kettle always brings back, since he is the only one that gets to view outside the walls of the kitchen on very regular but irregular unscheduled scheduled visits. He was the one who spread the news on how the Cups, Mugs, Tumblers, Glasses are always kissing and romancing with the masters, most especially the mistresses whenever their allies come over for a meeting.

The Cups were the only ones that were lucky enough to have orgasms, and they still do now, even on a multiple level. Long before the Cups came the word orgasm was like a myth told by the legends that lived through many households, the Pots and Cutleries were usually the only devices that were privileged to live through many households but for some reasons, the Cutleries always maintained their beauty, the Pots on the other hand always had their skins bleached, so much that on their second household they usually switched races.

Cups had the elite access to the “Sugar Heaven” this is the place were all the sweetness, happiness and fulfillment of the kitchen lies. “Sugar Heaven” is the only place where the “Sugar God” resides and it is well known that just the breath of the “Sugar God” can get you close enough to reaching an orgasm, and the Cups don’t only have a breath, but they swim in it everyday. The sweet breath of the Sugar God coupled with some passionate kisses from the masters and mistresses is extra sufficient in taking you to “Orgasm World”.

Ice Cream, Extra Sweet Beverages, Assorted Juices and Drinks are just some of the few gods that visit the Cups daily. Although the Tumblers and Glasses once testified that they too reached this world of fantasy when the Mistress once opened a bottle of very old wine illegally from the Cabinet of the Master. The incident was said to have caused one of the highest scores of deaths in the past month, about 13 devices died that night and 7 more were badly injured, including Mr. Kettle who sustained a very deep cut on the edge of his awfully long and unsexy mouth. Glasses live in the most luxury, but really don’t attain so much orgasms as Cups, but they sure do get high with all the pills and exotic cocktails they swim in daily.

Kisses from the Masters are always a beloved thing, but for some reason the Masters really don’t kiss the Glasses and Tumblers as much, they have fun with them but hesitate whenever it comes to giving them a good and satisfying smooch. The Glasses and Tumblers never really feel genuinely loved by the Masters and Mistresses. This is one of the major reasons why the Glasses and Tumblers Clan always fight with the Cup Clan, there is so much hate in their own family, so much envy and spite.

In every “Incident” in the household, the Glasses and Tumblers always suffer the most deaths, their Clan is the feeblest and never really sustain any injuries, they just give up immediately they are called upon by the Masters and Mistresses and shatter completely on the “Land”. They shed almost all their skin and really never get to be properly buried by their loved ones. No wonder they carry a curse with them after they die, the curse is quite funny because it always seems to haunt the Masters whenever they march through the “Land”. For some very mysterious reason they seem to make some distressing sounds whenever they march some exact territories of the Land. Immediately this happens, the Broom Army are unleashed so viciously on that exact Territory.

“The Land” is a very dreaded part of Town. That is the place the gods curse you to belong whenever you commit so much evil or sometimes when they just feel like being foolish and allow the innocent to suffer, we have always disagreed with the latter and persistently questioned the gods on this, but just like they say, “You can never understand the ways of the gods” I am pretty sure that even the gods will be unable to explain their ways when you eventually meet them in heaven, even they may be clueless on their own ways.

The Cups are the most cursed, and like they also say “You can never really have it all”, the Cups literally enjoy it all, they never really get burned with very hot fluids like the Mugs do, and then they still enjoy the best the “Sugar God” has to offer and reach orgasms even unconsciously and unwillingly sometimes, they literally have the effrontery to reject an orgasm????? With so much enjoyment, they are bound to also face a good amount of the curses. Cups Clan are the only Clan that gets buried alive! Whenever they fall in the “Land” innocently or full of evil, they acquire marks, marks that is believed to be from the gods themselves. These marks are said to be time tags, indicating how many more falls they have to live, the more the fall, the closer their destinies are tied to being sadly but certainly buried alive, shamefully and in-front of their families. They get cast away into “Neverland” the place where “no one returns” although Legend says that there was indeed one device that returned from Neverland with her whole family.

Cutleries, they are the biggest and the closest family. They are like a brotherhood, almost every other device is always jealous of the way they live together in such perfect harmony. Their many tribes are, The Forks, The Spoons and The Nonviolent Knifes. The Nonviolent Knifes are actually descendants of the Knife Emirates, one of the most dangerous families in the history of Kitchen Planet, some citizens even consider the members of the Knife Emirates as more dangerous than the Cooking Gas itself and Hot Oil. The Nonviolent Knifes had to be banished from the Emirate because they were deemed unfit for the Kingdom, they were considered a huge disgrace to the Emirates, they couldn’t even cut a Sardine’s head off with one clean shot, that was how unambitious they were. The Cutleries, the big happy family were filled with so much gladness and accommodated them irrespective of their pathetic past.

Spoons and Fork, the Utensils family all suffer from suffocation from the mouth and tongue of the Masters and sometimes are forced to fight themselves on the dining table to survive, they have no choice! Spoons suffer the most suffocation, they get forced into the Mouth of the Masters and wrapped viciously by the “Mouth Snake”

“The Mouth Snake” is a very slimy, reddish, pinkish and sometimes whitish snake that always has a big belly, though a lot of devices are not surprised of it’s weird body stature since we all know how much food and orgasms it enjoys from the “Sugar God”, Legend says that the mouth snake signed an agreement with the Sugar God for a lifetime of orgasms. The Sugar God had no choice but to agree, since the Mouth Snake is the only one who can lead him straight to the minds of the Masters and that is the only way he can truly be fulfilled and keep enchanting the Masters and Mistresses to keep his heaven running forever.

Spoons stay so long in the suffocation that they get to see the Uvula dancing its usual ballet, even Cups never get to see that far in the Mouth. The Forks don’t stay too long in captivity due to their natural defence endowment. Legend says that a Fork once single-handedly saved a household and since then the gods have deemed it fit to bless them with very sharp heads that chase away their enemies, including their Masters. When Forks get over-suffocated they pierce the mouths of the Masters and they are so strong that they can go head to head in combat with the Mouth Snake.

Whenever exotic meals are eaten, the Forks and Nonviolent Knifes are always forced to brawl against each other and the most annoying part is that after the brawl, they are left on the same Plate to make up with each other before the Tray comes to carry them into the “Slave Market”. They also end up always being the slaves to Plates, Cups and even the low-class Pots on a daily basis and sometimes are even sold off completely.

The Utensils Clan face suffocation and polish their coffins everyday before they go out, because they never know when their last breath will be taken away from them.

Trays are the Slave Masters, they are very sexy flat devices that are very polygamous in nature. They never seem to “keep it in their pants” always going out with all manner and breed of devices, including the very dangerous Knifes and sometimes the Emir of the Knife Emirates even betroths his beloved daughters to some of the finest, most stylishly designed Trays.

The Slave Market is the “Theatre of all Exchanges”, that is the place where you can both loose your life, or achieve your dreams. In this market, devices are forcefully taken away from their families and sent to other territories against their will, Legend says that the Masters have no choice but to do those shameful acts, “balance they say must be maintained”.

Legend says that one of the reasons why the Trays have made Slave Trade their “Clan Ambition” is because of the very huge opportunity that the Masters and Mistresses have forcefully provided them with. Trays were never filled with hate and so much heartlessness before, they were once some of the most loving devices, always well known for the rescue missions they embarked on, they were the only devices that were courageous enough to reach out to the surface of “The Land” and pull out survivors and even cursed devices left to rot, die and be buried alive.

But ever since the Masters started forcing them to transport and traffic devices illegally into the Slave Market, separate families and pollute territories, they have been left with no other choice but to adapt to their new calling. Some of them defend themselves and say “indeed no-one can alter their destinies” a statement that makes many devices even despise them the more.

As a result of this reality, the Trays are by far the richest devices, they may not be the happiest, but they are surely the richest. Many families are so afraid of separation that they even sell off their least favourite and most stubborn children just to raise enough money to pay the Trays to organize a pick up where they can retrieve their “most loved” children back from captivity and make a one-way transport back to their territories, after the Masters have left. Many devices have condemned these kinds of families and even the gods always find a way to deal with them sooner or later after their despicable acts. Trays charge a lot, they don’t care if you have to pay with all your life savings, their bills never drop, never changes, never shows compassion, they simply dictate to you a price and their decision is final, except you really are ready to bear the pain that comes with “the separation”.

Mugs are the most misunderstood devices. They live very ironic lives. Mugs are just as privileged as the Cups, Glasses and Tumblers, but with their privilege comes immense suffering. Whenever the “Sugar God” pays them a visit, they are always unfit for his entry, and because of this, every-time they make their travels, they always see “the orgasm” sometimes even touch it with the tip of their fingers, but never have they reached and successfully grabbed the most coveted piece of heaven, “the orgasm”.

The Masters always seem to despise kissing them, there is always a reason why the Masters must withdraw their lips, just before the Mugs can even feel loved. These ironies the Mugs face constantly has put a very huge inferiority complex in them and they really never smile again. Even baby mugs when born stop smiling after their first travel and sometimes just never learn how to do it because they have seen so much sadness from just their dear families alone. It is really a very unexplainable life these Mugs live, they glance at orgasms, but right in front of them, the orgasms get melted away from their grasp and immense suffering follows, even angering the Sugar God himself and making him despise paying them visits. A lot of devices still can’t understand how so much happiness can come with so much sadness. The Mugs are one of the few devices popularly known for experiencing very painful and even bitter orgasms.

Hot Oil is considered a witch, an agent of the dark world by most of the community, this is mostly because a lot of the devices cannot understand why they get very happy and full of jolly whenever the Gas Cooker blows its rage of fire on them. It is so bad that whenever the fire stops consuming them, their happiness also gets consumed too.

Gas Cooker, just like the Trays are also under some form of unnatural heartless ambitious reality, although a lot of devices still acknowledge the Gas Cooker for doing more good than harm, “Without her, a lot of us will be living meaningless lives and this household will definitely be unhappy, no good food will see the light of day and the Masters and Mistresses will see no relevance of our presence”. The Gas Cooker has also confessed countless times that she faces conscious torment and bewitchment by the “Gas Lord”. The Gas Lord is so powerful that he can end the whole household in a blink of an eye, with the snap of his fingers, Gas Cooker always does her best to appease him so as to calm him down and suppress his rage for the good of the household, and even the all powerful Masters and Mistresses. “Indeed she really does more good than bad, without her constant suffering on our behalf, all our existence will have no meaning”.

My Name is Sanchez and I am from the Kettle Clan, my makers are from Spain and they really made me very fairly sexy and stainless, with a very loud mouth, though I don’t like to gossip all the time, it is in my nature to do so and all the stories and rants above are just a fragment of my daily encounters, my experiences and the reality of the world I live in. I have a really beautiful family but don’t worry, you will get to know them in the next chapter.

For now, all I can say is that the main objective of the Kitchen, is to make the Household Happy. Though we know we can’t accomplish it alone and we can only create happiness from our own small space of the Household, the Kitchen, a place where our sight, perspective, view and knowledge of the home is very limited. We can only create the Happiness we can see. But in the end, we have to keep trying, you know what they say “A Household That Eats Good Food is a Happy Home”.

Written by Stephen Uba

I am the Pot of Beans behind Waterybeans.Com.

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