Pastor slap 4

Pastors are evangelists who work in Churches and have deep love for pulpits, so much love that they speak so loud and fiercly whenever they come across one.

But honestly, we all need a reason to at least spank these Guys or at least call them to order whenever they misuse their pulpit privileges.

Life is already challenging enough, and nobody needs someone carrying their problems to dump on You and Your Family’s head every Sunday.

Here are a few of the billion reasons why You should feel free to shout during testimony time and ask Your “Man of God” some questions and call him to order, maybe spank him small on the cheeks if needed.

Head Knock 1

1. Failed Prophecy: “God is telling me that someone here is going to testify next Sunday, that brand new Job you have been looking for in the past 8 years is yours”.

First of all, You should realize that You have been looking for that Job for the past eight years and the reason why you haven’t found financial stability is probably because you are doing something wrong, or you need to change your approach, or reconsider if looking for that dream job is a priority. Until you look inwards and evaluate your decisions through the past eight years then financial stability can never manifest itself, quit looking at the altar and start searching your mind. No one has the answers to your employment but yourself, it’s not the amount of “Employment by Fire” services you go for that will change your predicament, but the refined actions you take on Monday after that Sunday Service that will eventually do. Mind you, it must not happen before the next Sunday service, the fact you may still be searching just means your a work in progress and has nothing to do with your faith in the last Service prayer session.

So next Sunday when obviously nobody in the congregation gets a new Job, feel free to slap your pastor at the back of his egg head, so that the lies will fall off.

Head Knock 3

2. The Cool Breeze he/she blew on your head that did not still finish the work of the Panadol you took at home:

“Everybody on this pulpit, experiencing one pain or the other, I blow you this air of cleansing, you are healed!”

I have one question or maybe two. Why can’t you just stand on the pulpit and pray for the congregation, or come down and lay hands on each and every one of them. Why always call a selected few to the altar, just to blow wind on them, perform some acrobatics and turn the pulpit into a dance floor for snake shaku shaku (a dance where your head vibrates at every sleek move your legs make). Could it be to show the rest of the congregation how powerful you are and convince them to be slaves to your ministry, make them see that all their answers lie in your snake dancing hands? Are you making them reliant on God or on your ministry, are they just potential customers? Why then say “Glory to God” when at the end of the day, the actual glory goes to the huge dance event you put on the stage. Why push your own propaganda and then say you are doing it in the “Name of God”?

So next Sunday, make sure you ask all the dance participants if they were completely healed and if they ended up still seeing a Doctor or taking drugs.

If they say “Yes” then go to your pastors office and tear him a soft slap.

Pastor slap 1

3. The condemnation he/she gave you for following your dreams:

In the end, your pastor actually doesn’t care about you, he only cares about the growth of his church/empire and you are just a pawn on his chessboard. Go ahead and read your Bible for full interpretations of concepts that confuse you, derive your own understanding, everybody in this life is confused and is constantly striving to find their path. So why allow yourself reason based on the inadequate understanding of your pastor (who hasn’t even finished understanding half of his life) to dictate your own journey (which is very separate from his, you are very different from your pastor and you two are both fighting different battles, because he is fighting metaphysical battles does not mean you must also follow him to fight his own battles, when will you face your own battle?)

You are good in brewing and making wine, but according to your pastor, it is a Sin. Why put a stop to your goals, why not dig into your spirituality and fully understand for yourself and let your own ethics guide your own approach, why should you carry your pastor’s mind on your head? In the end he/she has no plans to make wine or brew, the loss is on you and you alone.

If this is you, then feel free to hold your pastor by the ears and wiggle him out of his bitterness.

Head Knock 2

4. Expressing Love: “Sex should not be practiced outside the Matrimonial Home”
Why allow yourself starve till temptation drives you to destroy the beautiful bond you’ve established with your partner. Why leave your partner “untouched” under the guise of religious responsibility and then go all out to cheat on him/her, just in the pretentious efforts of making the marriage sacred.

Why risk the bond you have with your partner just to fulfil a certain religious responsibility, is the main point of the relationship not happiness? Why prioritize the expectations of your church or pastor over the mutual happiness of you and your partner “beloved” Why go into a marriage full of lies and fake perceived discipline and risk staining your clear conscience, in the end, marriage is a marathon and a clear mind will put the progress of his/her partner over perceived sacredness. We are all full of flaws and this is what we should share with our partners, why are we racing for sacredness when in the end we must fall short? Why not let understanding, sacrifice and happiness (elastic but unbreakable love) lead the way.

“Groom sleeping with the neighbourhood and Bride sleeping with the next street, Matrimonial Bed still clean, pure and sacred (who are we deceiving? God or ourselves?)”

If your pastor made you take any poisonous vows, that will affect your bond or unity or clear conscience then please sign out of service, walk up to him and konk his Egg head.

Head Knock 4

5. Ushers looking for your trouble: “Mr. Man wake up! the pastor is preaching”

They will keep tapping you like you personally paid them money to disturb your beauty sleep. Do you know what I went through last night? Why not ask me if I am alright and see how you can be of assistance to me? After what I went through last night I still managed to get up from my pains just to ensure that my face shows on the church camera and yet my pains don’t concern you. You don’t care if I have been starving for weeks or was robbed? You don’t even make an effort to ask? Your only concern with me is just to make sure your pastor doesn’t realize that he/she is boring and is preaching completely off-point and that the camera captures the service beautifully for the next new customers watching from the comfort of their couch.

Church sleep

“If you touch me again eeeh, I will pour you hot water! afterall it is church, the fire for boiling the water can come from anywhere”

If your pastor has the worst ushers, Ushers that sniff your perfume and check out your dress code (expensive or poverty soaked, fitted or bed-sheet), then you have my permission to give him/her a good knock on the Scondolosis.

Pastor slap 3

I hope next Sunday we will be more conscious and in control of our minds and show each other love. Feel free to slap us in the comment section with any questions or thoughts and help us strengthen our Watery Community by subscribing below, just scroll down and slap us with your email address and we will update you with our weekly Sunday Jollof-Rice. Don’t forget the more you share this post, the sweeter the Jollof-Rice tastes!

Written by Stephen Uba

I am the Pot of Beans behind Waterybeans.Com.

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