The Trials and Temptation of a Nigerian Commercial Bus “Danfo” (Yellow Bus) Passenger.
Now, no matter how Porsche your lifestyle may be, I doubt you haven’t ever patronized a Yellow Bus with a man who doesn’t know how to close the vehicle door, always using the Bus as his skateboard (Conductor) and of course a Driver, looooool! Especially those of us that have gone to Nigerian Secondary Schools, we definitely would be familiar with these Yellow Buses like the back of our hands. A very good number of us would have lapped a friend or vice versa at some point in our lives, “winks”.
But one thing is that, these “Yellow Buses” are one of the most annoying encounters you could start your day with, but trust Nigerians, our body be like firewood, so we will still go through the bustle and join in the madness (hustle must continue and must pay!).
Let us laugh, bone our faces and even spit (lots of disgusting moments) as we think through these encounters we have had with Danfo Buses and we are still having, looooool!
The Rush, if you can remember vividly, you will be able to feel the rush you went through on your first day with these Danfo Buses. If your Mum escorted you, then you should be able to remember the way she was constantly grabbing your hand like somebody was about to kidnap you, loooool! The screams from the Conductor was ear screeching, you will just be hearing “enter with your change oooh!, I no get change oooh! Last one!”. Sometimes it will be the Conductor that even dragged you inside, as if a kidnap was going down. Even up till today, whenever these Yellow Buses arrive at the Bus Stop, its always like they are pulling up for a Heist, loooool!
The Noise, Oh my! This issue is really terrible especially for those staying at the Back Seats, its like your head is going to close up. They way the Engine of the Bus will just be vibrating in your ears and skull. Although we might have learnt how to manage it, sometimes it just gets so pissing, its like you should just pull out a Grenade and explode the Bus. The worst scenario, the engine is gonna be making so much noise that suddenly, you’re gonna start twerking (male or female mehn!) looooool! Your Yansh/Booty will just be busy shaking anti-clockwise at the back seat.
The Smell, now this is the ewww part, looool! There is one very dreaded seat in every Danfo Bus and it is the last seat (“last one”, “last chance”, “one more chance”). This is the seat that always magically appears whenever the bus is full. There are a lot of problems that comes with putting your innocent booty on this seat. The seat is the smallest seat and so if you’re not a Lepa Sandi or Broom Stick Size like me, then you should probably forget the Bus and jog to work, cuz when the tyres of the Bus start rolling, it may be too late, and doom may come knocking, looool! First of all, once you’ve gladly accepted this seat, then you must also gladly accept the ooze that pours down from “the conductor’s armpit”, the unbearable part is when he will now be collecting money and will have to bend over your exposed face, (worst case scenario, your head might almost enter the armpit, looooool!). Let us not forget the rain that will also start falling on your head and face due to some sudden climate change in the Bus, loooool! The Back-Seat Guys are not also exempted from this (they suffer a lot and sadly I am one of them “winks”) the Engine at the back is always open and the petrol plus a good amount of fumes will start blowing on the back of your head and will then crawl into your nostrils.
No Change, when do these Bus Conductors ever have change? These guys are the most “changeless people on the planet, loooool!” even when their pockets are full of coins, they still won’t have change. Its not really our fault that we roll in 1000 and 500 Naira Notes “winks”. Whenever they bend over and start collecting money, the whole bus will start fidgeting, especially those that came in with 1000 and 500 Naira Notes, and the funny thing is that when you hand the conductor the money (N1000/500) he wouldn’t even bother to check if he has change, a flood of uncool temper and diluted insults will just start pouring from his harmattan mouth (I often wonder why their lips is always in harmattan season, loooool!). Worst case scenario, the conductor will completely forget he owes you change and will wait till the two of you hold each other’s throats at the last bus stop.
The Dangers, ever starred at that magical last seat and felt so sorry for that customer, the way the seat will just be shaking is so scary, as in it is just the Grace of God that is pulling us through in these Yellow Buses. Whenever, you enter a Naija commercial bus “Danfo” just leave your safety in the hands of God and your very inadequate wisdom, cuz both the Driver and the Conductor never take any safety precautions during the Journey, infact they even contribute to the hazards, loooool! The Driver will even be collecting money while driving and his red fat eyes will be off the road, he will even have the guts to start freestyling on the express with his hands completely off the steering wheel. As for the Conductors, I really feel that they should be featured in some new James Bond Movies, cuz the way they dangerously balance on the Buses like a Skateboard always fascinates me, its like their heads and necks suddenly become pirate hooks and chains to hold them to the Bus. When a bus stop is reached (which most times is an imaginary bus stop) they will now start drumming on the top of the Bus, looooool!
Nigeria still has a long way to go as regards to “True Civilization”. We are truly very gifted and smart people living in a very harsh and uncaring jungle. In the end all the youth’s effort at attaining “True Civilization” and Development will be overlooked and tossed away by the people in positions. I energetically believe that we, Nigerians can still create a calm, peaceful, less mad, loool! caring and sustainable society for ourselves. We must start by creating standards for our daily movements and never compromise them, this is one of the ways we can truly move forward, enough of all these going around a never-ending loop. True Civilization is needed to make the Nigerian Eco-System a bit inhabitable.