The Trials and Temptation of Bedwetting.
This is mainly for my goons who stopped bedwetting a little bit longer than the normal/expected age. Someone like me even continued in secondary school, so no hard/soft feelings, loooooool! “winks”. So now that the Air has been cleared, let us reminisce on our dark past.
– Leave Him/Her, They are still Babies Stage: During this stage, you’re expected to be around five years of age and under. Your parents are not aware of what’s coming, they still feel that in a few more months/years the habit will just stop, looool! They don’t know you’re a born legend “winks”.
– The waking up with Cane/Koboko part: When we were still very young, our parents were a bit strict with the bedwetting code. There was something called potty that we used, and sometimes this device will be dropped very close to our beds to make it easier for us to “dump and roll”. But unfortunately for us, we always loved our beds so much that we always chose it over the potty and confidently performed the “dump and wiggle” on it.
It was like our parents had a tracker connected to every potty, that beeps whenever no cargo is dumped in it, looooool! The way they will just storm out precisely at the moment when the yellow salty solution is still dripping from under and beside the bed is simply amazing.
Before you even touchdown into Airport Reality from the first stroke, three to five more packages of “twai twai” have been invested in the middle of your Yansh! As your eyes are now clearing up from blur mode, your underwear is being stripped from you and then you are forced to empty your barrel to the last salty drop.
– The Shame Stage: So, after all that Koboko/Flogging, you haven’t changed yet? You can’t still wake up at night? Is the journey to the toilet filled with pythons? Is it too dark? Are you still scared of the dark, like really “winks”? This is the period when you will now start covering your face every morning in the house, always spending like an extra one hour in your Pool of Persia, (God help you visitors are now around, loooool!).
You will now be using like 2 blankets and wrapper to cover your acidic downpour and then you’ll even spray small perfume.
By this time you would gradually begin to acquire expertise in CIA Investigations Study and Forensics, as all the evidence of your bladder crimes (your bed wetted clothes) will now be followed up (that is when you will begin to monitor all your clothes that you’ve wrapped inside nylon and put inside basket, to ensure nobody suspects your activities “not as if you will even wash the clothes by yourself oooh!” loooooool!).
– Carry Your Cargo Stage: During this stage, you would have become a Pro. By this time, you should be around age 10-11 (probably in primary six or going to JSS1). At this point, the house can’t just continue smelling your acid, so you’re demanded to always carry your bed outside for drying and if you have neighbours, your own don finish ooooh, looooool!
– Argument stage: Now that reality has dawned on you that you are a certified “bedwetter” you will now start arguing with people in your home and abroad, that it when water will start pouring on your bed,
or you will say that the Map you drew was just a small country like Togo or Ghana, so it doesn’t really count, loooooooool! You will even go as far as comparing the size of maps with your other siblings, crowning someone “the Baba”.
– Boarding House/Hostel Stage: Now you’ve grown into an Adult and you’re still bedwetting? Oga calm down nah. In the secondary school Hostel, you have seniors and these seniors control all the activities, from time-keeping to lights out. So just imagine those days when immediately the bell is jingled, you open your eyes and suddenly it’s like there is an AC (Air Conditioner) in your hostel, which suddenly happens to be mounted beside your bonk. The worst situation is when you wake up five minutes before the morning bell and you’re not quick enough to stylishly turn your bed over to the other side and then all off a sudden you will start looking under your bed like there is a Treasure Chest beneath it, greeting everybody in the hostel including your sworn enemies, that is when you will kneel down and start pretending as if you’re praying, looooool! To Cap it all, if you are really just destined to be unfortunate, then your bed will be the up bonk (If you like turn the bed over, my guy, you can’t just escape, and God help you, the thing now starts dripping “toink toink”). The embarrassment that will now come when a Senior notice that bed and tells you to carry it out, (my God, it will be like you’ve just been banished into the evil forest with a white calabash on your head, loooool!).
– Popularity Stage: By this time, you’d probably be in JSS3 and the whole school (both day and boarding, junior and senior, staff and admin, if possible the Parent Teachers Association (PTA)). Even on the Assembly ground your name may come up for no reason at all (God help you that your name is called out for lost and found items). Your issue might even be raised in a PTA meeting, loooool!
– Under G Stage: Also known as the coded stage, during this period you begin to become very smart about your dealings. By this time you should have become a Senior (SS1) and the public disgrace is no longer an option and an Escape Route must be found. This is when, during resumption you make sure that you always get the lower bonk, even if its taken, you bully yourself into possession of this coveted location. You start waking up very early in the morning to ensure you’ve not done the deed, and if unlucky, you are quick to somersault your matrass and then start applying roll on, body spray, antiperspirant and perfume under of your bed (all of a sudden, your matrass seems to be growing an armpit and sweat glands that need your attention, looool!).
– Reflection Stage: You go on holiday and begin to reflect on what it took you to hide your shame. You realize that “bedwetting” must stop for good.
You start training yourself at home, by drinking less water, watching your food and lipid intake and waking yourself up every night irrespective of the dream (be it a one-night stand with Beyoncé/Justin Bieber, looool!).
You start making progress and then you realize that “quitting this stuff is doable”. You’re amazed on what God can do in your life, “like wowy”.
– Transition Stage: At this stage, you are more confident in yourself, you even start flexing and sleeping on your friends/bonk mates bed in the Hostel without fear, “winks”. You now start looking at your goons you left behind in the pool and shaking your head, looool!
Although, you still know deep down that you’re not fully “healed”, you could still mess up big time, so you are still conscious of your sleeping affairs. During this stage, whenever you wake up in the middle of the night, your consciousness comes in the blink of an eye. You suddenly become “Superman” always flying up from your bed at night. You’re still too scared that the urine may escape from your container at the harbour if you’re not quick enough, and funny enough, almost 50% of the time, it does happen, loooool! But you’re able to prevent it from dropping on the bed 90% of the time and quickly change underwear/boxers, “winks”.
– Control Stage: Congrats we made it, Yaaayy! This time, you almost never mess up, you can stay comfortably anywhere and crash with almost no constant fear, even in your aunty or uncles house or a babes place, “winks”. By this time you’ve almost started SS3 and soon to be writing WAEC/WASSCE and the future starts looking bright. Even when you mess up during this stage, your peers just laugh it out with you cuz its not like you do it anyways, loooool! you may still be embarrassed from time to time, but Man up, its life, shit happens.
The main lesson from this is that, in life we are all different, some things take you longer to achieve than others. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re abnormal or immature. What defines you is the fact that you constantly don’t give up in fighting against that vice/habit. Everyday you wake up, is by the Grace of God (which is definitely in abundance, “winks”) and so it is a new day to keep going and trying new ways that will enable you to quit that habit or reach that goal. The blessing here will come in the awesome relief you’re gonna feel after you’ve crossed over to the winning side and all of a sudden, the past is history mehn, looool!
Although it can still come to haunt you from now and then, but such is life, never let it get the best of you, cuz your Gold! Even I, still wet the bed like once in a year, I am always shocked and sometimes I am even convinced it is sweat, loooool! even though the smell might say otherwise “winks”
(I really despise that signature toilet dream, whereby you’re pressed and there is suddenly a very clean toilet in front of you, most of the time I’m always a victim and it is so annoying, loooooool!)
But such is life, everybody’s system functionality is different, and you can fall sometimes, so its okay, just leave it behind you and keep pushing. Love You All, Muah! Kisses! “Winks”. (wish I could use Emojis tho, loooool!).